Today my sewer backed up, and pumped greywater into my bathtub.
It's the 3rd time this has happened in a month.
Unfortunately, I also had to pee.
Not savoring the prospect of having to like, piss in a bucket or something, I decided that maybe I could make it to the bathroom at a nearby convenience store. After all, physical therapy has been going fairly well, and it's only like 2 blocks away really. It'll suck, but I'll make it, right?
Right. Well.
I did, but it took me over half an hour, and by the time I got home I was drenched in sweat and my back was in so much pain I feared I would collapse in the street. If it weren't for my cane, I certainly would have.
Earlier today I spent almost the entire first half of the day in brain fog so bad that, when lunch time came and I sat down at my desk to eat my burrito, I genuinely stared at it for several minutes unable to decide what to do with it.
I'm not OK. I might never be OK again. I keep blaming myself for this, that it's all my fault, that I'm just being lazy, that I've done this to myself, and if I could just manage to ...
But no.
I'm not, and it's not.
I have osteoarthritis in my back, chronic fatigue that remains undiagnosed despite repeated attempts, and all the hallmarks of long COVID.
I'm not OK, and more to the point, I have been failed. Failed by the systems that were supposed to protect me from a debilitating disease, by not one but two different medical systems and I no longer know how many shitty doctors.
And I don't know what to do about it. I don't know how to live anymore. Sometimes I think I don't even know what the point is.
The cognitive issues make my job ten times harder than it has to be, and the stress from trying to push through it all just eats up my spoons, leaving me little left after but to just try and keep myself entertained until I am tired enough to try and fail to sleep, then get up and do it all over again.
The most humiliating moments of my job every week are the monday chit chat about "what did you do this weekend", because the answer is always "nothing." I spent all the energy I might've had that week on work, there wasn't anything left over.
I'm just alone in a swamp of an apartment, waiting to die.
I'm so tired.
There's no thesis here, I just ... needed to write this.